farters have to be the big spoon...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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