my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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