My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
