She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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