I wish I could teleport
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
