My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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