The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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