just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
