She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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