He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
