He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
