Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
