I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's blow job season.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
