I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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