I CAN MOONWALK!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
