Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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