Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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