Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
