lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
