so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
