I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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