im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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