Small penises have feelings too.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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