I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
