shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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