i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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