Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Welp...herpes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
