if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
