I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
