Will you blow on my dice?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
