Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
