idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
