We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
