My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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