Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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