in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
