im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
