I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
