u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
