i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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