god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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