dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
