I think I won the penis lottery.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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