remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
