you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
