I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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