It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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