I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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