I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
