In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
