a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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