I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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