don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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