Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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