I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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