Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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